Our governor is talking about allowing soft drink companies to bid for the title “Official Beverage of Illinois.” Here’s an article about it.
This seems an astonishingly stupid idea on a number of levels.
Both Coca-Cola and Pepsi have huge bottling operations headquartered here, and this seems like a good way to give one of these guys an incentive to leave. (And considering 99% of the public-area vending machines in Illinois seem to be red, white, and blue, I’ll bet eighty cents in exact change that I know who’s gonna get the title.)
I am sure someone is going to protest this because it implies that the state is promoting people destroying their teeth, bones, and bathroom scales by ingesting fizzy, sugared, brown water. Unless somehow the state beverage is skim milk, perhaps– but then there’s a whole anti-lactose crowd waiting for their moment to strike.
I’d consider starting a grass-roots movement to make water the state drink of Illinois. The problem is there ain’t no money in that, and we are rapidly learning that Mr. Blagojevich is all about the money.
I was a little surprised to learn that Illinois is not the first to consider this. New York’s official drink is Snapple, San Diego’s is Pepsi, and Houston’s is Dr. Pepper. Other states have official snacks, too.
So why stop at Official Soft Drink? What about the Official Frozen Pizza (Home Run Inn gets my vote), Official Hot Dog (Double Char Cheddar Dog with Everything and extra Sport Peppers at Gold Coast Dogs), and Official Thing To Order at Starbucks (Grande Soy No-Whip Mocha)?
Oh well, at least I know which soda my mom will vote for.
This “everything’s for sale” mindset made me think of the Cake song on the next page.

Rock And Roll Lifestyle
by Cake
Well, your CD collection looks shiny and costly,
how much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzzi?
And how much did you spend on your black leather jacket?
Is it you, or your parents, in this income tax bracket?
Now, tickets to concerts and drinking at clubs
is sometimes for music that you haven’t even heard of.
And how much did you pay for your rock and roll t-shirt
that proves you were there, that you heard of them first?
—-
CHORUS:
Now how do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?
How do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?
How do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle…
Ohhhh tell me..
—-
How much did you pay for the chunk of his guitar,
the one he ruthlessly smashed at the end of the show?
And how much will HE pay for a brand-new guitar,
one which he’ll ruthlessly smash at the end of another show?
And how long will the workers keep building him new ones,
as long as their soda cans are red, white and blue ones?
And how long will the workers keep building him new ones,
as long as their soda cans are red, white and blue ones?
Aging black leather and hospital bills..
And tatoo removal and dozens of pills.
Your liver pays dearly now for youthful magic moments,
but rock on completely with brand new components.
CHORUS
Excess ain’t rebellion.
You’re drinking what they’re selling.
Your destruction doesnt hurt them,
your chaos won’t covert them.
They’re so happy to rebuild it.
You’ll never really kill it off.
Yeah,
Excess ain’t rebellion.
You’re drinkin’ what they’re selling.
Excess ain’t rebellion ahhhh.
You’re drinkin’, you’re drinkin’ ahh yeah
you’re drinkin’ what they’re selling..